Shame, Self-Sabotage, and Evolution

How’s everyone holding up in these crazy times?

Me? I’m going to be very honest with you. I’m going through some things. I’m on the fence some days. Some days are really great. Some days I wake up super positive, ready to take on the world and make it my bitch, and other days, I do everything I can (definitely unconsciously) to self-sabotage. Some days I love myself, some days, not so much. I guess it’s a special kind of self-sabotage.  Also, not sure if it’s the artist in me, where if things are going too well, I feel like I need to fuck them up in order to feel and create. Or maybe I’m just a little crazy. 

And that’s just the inside of my head, not really factoring in the systemic racism that has been happening for centuries, and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how it’s the year 2020 and this is STILL a thing. And that people are still supporting and voting for Agent Orange Fuck Face…Also not really factoring in that I’m not onstage doing what I love, and I’m not with my daughter in Indiana as I should have been this month before a pandemic hit. I literally just told Tricia (my best friend, roommate, business partner) that I had no idea where I was going with this post. So bare with me. 

This also isn’t me whining. I think I’m just attempting another break through. Another chance to forgive myself for melting down….another chance to be better than I was the day before. Another opportunity to be aware of what it is I do to myself and then grow from it. To say I’ve been on edge the past few weeks is an understatement. I know we’ve all been there. So, the last few days, I’ve really been focused on re-centering and re-committing, though still not getting everything right. If you saw a Facebook post I ranted on earlier, then deleted because of my ‘in-the-moment’ aggression, you’d understand.

So, I keep asking myself where all this self-sabotage is coming from as I’m really attempting to get to the center of it. So, maybe this is it, as T and I were discussing. I wonder if we start feeling a sense of shame when things are going well for us, when so many things are array with other people in their lives. It’s like, when some of us are having a beautiful moment in time, despite everything that’s happening in the world, we sometimes feel guilty about it. And all this guilt bullshit goes completely against what I teach in Unfuckwithable. Are we feeling guilty because other people are shaming us? Or are we shaming ourselves?

I mean, why feel guilty when things are going well in our lives? Especially since we come from a place of love, and we were truly created to feel GOOD in this life… Maybe my frustration lies in the divide. And I need to have a sense of faith IN the divide and that it has to be there in order for the Universe to shift and expand into something better. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. Because I’m seeing a lot of falling apart at the seams happening around me. And it makes me want to cry. I guess maybe I just need to remember the importance of coming from a place of love. From a place of forgiveness. A place of acceptance. A place of peace. I’m struggling. And I’d like to hear from you all on this one. This post is just to let you in on what I’m dealing with this week. Maybe you’re dealing with something similar. Maybe we just all need to connect a little bit because we haven’t in so long. Maybe it’s the lack of connection that is driving me mad….

What are your thoughts on taking these hard times and shifting them into love and evolution? 

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