I’m Not Okay

I’d like to share with you some real life. Because I’m not always positive and happy all the time. I’m not always in a great mood. I’m not always a big ray of fucking sunshine. So, here we go.

First off… as I’m writing this, I’m in a sauna of an apartment in the heart of Hollywood. And it’s 2am. I can’t sleep. I moved here last week because I felt like this was where I needed to be. In this particular moment, I’m questioning my decision, but maybe that’s only because I’m uncomfortable….on so many levels. 

Uncomfortable with the heat (my apartment that I share with dope ass people doesn’t have central air, of which I didn’t know upon signing a lease, this LA thing gets six months), uncomfortable with not knowing when we get to tour again…uncomfortable with not having a solid back up plan, uncomfortable with not knowing fucking anything or how any of this pandemic is going to turn out. Uncomfortable with people telling me to “just play music” and to shut up. Uncomfortable with the people I love not seeing the bigger picture. And this all makes me so angry. So I will honor my anger and write about it. Fuck it all. And also, fuck you to the dickhead on Matt Markoff’s feed for being a typical man douche. So much so that you deleted your thread because you’re a judgmental asshole. Coachella me, mother fucker….dick.

But this…. this shit storm.

This Trump shit really gets to me, because integrity doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Common sense doesn’t matter anymore. Nearly 200,000 Americans dead doesn’t matter anymore. Democracy doesn’t matter anymore. PEOPLE don’t matter anymore. Unity and peace don’t matter anymore, because if you are a Trump supporter, you’re not for unity or peace. So tell me, what the fuck ARE you for? And then tell me why.

Trump has dismantled every facet of science and protection we had in place to keep this very real virus under control, and as we’ve seen in the past, in typical Trump fashion, has fired every person who doesn’t see his side, and all some people can talk about is their fucking freedom to wear a mask or not? And conspiracy theories?

We are in a PANDEMIC, people. This is TRUMP’S fault. Period. Leadership? There’s no fucking leadership here. More people are dead out of LACK of LEADERSHIP than abortions any day, so fuck off on that argument if you’re voting over “abortion.”  And guns, Jesus fuck, no one is taking away guns. Sensible gun laws can’t be in place for the mentally ill or just plain stupid people? Where in the actual fuck is common sense? Where did we go? How did we get this far off the rails?

Is it lack of education? Name calling and shit talking because why? 

I’d like to know why you would vote for someone who you heard FROM HIS MOUTH, that he can grab any woman by the pussy and it doesn’t matter because you’re famous. Or vote for anyone who thinks it’s okay to make fun of disabled people. Or vote for anyone who undermines the CDC, the doctors, the SCIENCE. Or vote for anyone who intentionally lies and steals money from people. Or vote for anyone who would rip children from their parents and keep them caged and trapped. Then talk about your pizzagate bullshit. You are all sheep. And for those of you who voted because he wasn’t conventional, or you wanted to see how he’d “shake things up,” I hope you’re fucking happy now, because now you could die. And if you don’t die, you sure in the fuck can’t go anywhere.

And treason. FUCK. Russia… I can’t even. 

Postal Service. Let’s talk about this. Let’s hold funds back. Let’s fire everyone there and suppress a vote during a pandemic. Let’s lock up mailboxes and fuck up us small business owners from getting our goods to the people, but even more than that, bills from being paid, medications from being delivered. While we’re at it, fuck your social security. Good thing you paid into that for so long. (HUGE EYE ROLL). Voter fucking suppression during a pandemic.

What the actual fuck is Trump doing for you? 

When you can answer that question, I may listen. But I can pretty much tell you that answer. Not a fucking thing.

I’m an artist OUT OF WORK right now. I’m an artist who jokes about, “what’s insurance?” when I’m on a podcast tonight because I can’t afford it. I’m an artist who has a fucking degree in Comm Arts and a minor in Business from IU. I’m an artist who has a daughter who’s a junior in high school, asking her regularly if she’s wearing her mask, to which she responds, “Mom, I’m over it, I think I’d rather do online courses because I have a teacher who says we can take our masks off in this class.” (Which already has COVID positive cases since her school began last fucking week. (Leave it to the states, I have no responsibility… this fucking guy…)

Let’s talk about Epstein. Okay, Let’s talk about rape charges. Let’s talk about wishing a sex trafficker his “best.” Let’s talk about walls, and concentration camps. Let’s talk about this “great, great, amazingly, superb job we’re doing,” …this guy and his republican cronies and the shit they’re allowing him to get away with, is doing. 

My heart is truly breaking over the nation.

History is built on art. Evolution and moving into an expansive state of being is built on art. Art is dying under this administration…on such a deep level. Art funding got cut for schools YEARS ago, but now, this is affecting all of you who love music and all arts, and all of us who create that art that moves and performs for you. 

But at the end of the day, this great nation? We are the laughing stock of the world. All you “media is lying” people out there… The media isn’t lying to you, you’re lying to yourself.

I’m going to sleep now. I’m crying. I’m sad. I’m not okay. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Perhaps after a good cry, some sleep, some meditation and a good workout…. perhaps I’ll smile again. Right now, I’m not smiling at all.

6 thoughts on “I’m Not Okay

  1. Lindsay, this is the best way to say all this and I sometimes fail with my words but you said it all perfect and concise. I have more panic attacks than I’ve ever had over all this and it’s literally affecting my mental health. Some days I just cry and some days I feel ok. He literally makes me sick to my stomach and the fact people still support him really tells a lot about them as people. I never wanted him to win and he wasn’t supposed to win he got way less votes but somehow won? I never understood how that happened. I really appreciate you writing this note it’s very important to get this out. Take care and know we have your back all the way!

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  2. Lindsay I know we have such different views on life, but I want you to know that I agree with you and this is not okay. This is not what God wants. But I can also tell you this is an the signs of the times. I’m a very Bible based person and all these horrible things have been warned. It’s awful. No one wants this. And whoever does?? Freaking toxic people then. I’m always here if you need a chat or a ear, I adore you always. We will get through this speed bump one way or another 🖤

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  3. Very well said and I 100% agree. I’ve been feeling these too. I would love to see you guys in concert again but it breaks my heart even more that you guys aren’t doing what you love right now. I love your candles too and I’m going to keep ordering them it’s not much but I hope that it will help some. Your right it’s okay to not be okay. But this too shall pass. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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