My Last Post Was Bullsh*t

Let me tell you why I say this. 

I was working on last week's post and felt like I was so out of it. I feel like I was reaching and hoping for inspiration, which just wouldn't come to me. So I settled on do's and don'ts. One of my best friends even called me out on it. She asked me, “Where is the Lindsay we all know and love, who shares real life? It was just kind of generic.” I agreed wholeheartedly. I'm lucky to have friends who can call me out and push me to be better, even when I'm feeling off.

So, I want to get real about it. I was having a shit week. I've had so many personal issues on my mind, and I was just going through the motions. All of my writing is extremely personal, and that's something I'm proud of. However, something I've been struggling with recently is actually doing that…getting personal, especially with the crippling anxiety I've been feeling. In addition to stress over finances and relationships and hell, life in general. That “not good enough, not doing enough” voice has been beating me up. I feel like I've been in a haze, just hoping to crawl my way out of it. I don't feel like that fun, positive, inspiring Lindsay you all know. Which then makes me feel like a fraud on top of everything, because I can't seem to keep my emotions in check, and I've been allowing guilt to consume me. (Which we are going to be diving into next week.) 

One of the things that got me down, and I notice most right now is there is so much pressure around the holidays, and I hate it. I feel like this consume, consume, consume nature of how most of us live is so toxic. We buy stupid shit we don't need, consume other people's lives on social media, and constantly compare ourselves with others. And when we do this, the things that truly matter go by the wayside. We binge watch shows, and food, and so many other things that keep us completely off track from where we're meant to be, and I am so guilty. I personally need to start saying no to my own bullshit. 

Then I beat myself up for not being “strong.” I see all these other people living their best lives, and I've been holed up wondering if I have what it takes to live mine. Like there's a sense of failure around everything I do. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THIS ISN'T TRUE.

I know for me, I get stuck. I'm embarrassed of my screen time on some days. All of those hours I won't get back, while I know what I want to build, yet say, “I'll do it tomorrow.”

I let everything else consume my time and keep me distracted, and that's something I really want to break, beginning right now. I had such intense low points this year. I've been looking back and beating myself up and wondering “if I had just done things differently…” And I have to take a thousand deep breaths, and just believe and realize that I did as best as I could in the moment. And there WERE moments of greatness and inspired action. There have been many moments I'm proud of. And there have been many facets of personal growth. 

I know I have a game plan. Yes. I also know I have so many fears that revolve around my personal goals. And I have so many fears around speaking up in general. Fear of judgement and abandonment. I feel like I just burned it all down recently. And as much as I want all this hurt to go away, I have allowed it bring me down more than I'd like to admit. My friend Sarada shared this with me. 

“That's the thing about matters of the heart. We can't just talk our way or convince ourselves into them. We must LIVE our way THROUGH them.”

And that's what I'm going to do. I have made a new commitment to myself. And it's not one I am taking lightly. Life is meant to be lived, and we are meant to love. Not be stuck in some mediocre bullshit because growth is so uncomfortable. It's time to get really uncomfortable. And I've started with this note to you all. So thank you for reading.

With that said, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. If you are feeling down during any of this, reach out. You're not alone. If the holidays are causing you stress in any way, we can all get though them together.

And if you want my book on audio, it's 50% off here. I also narrated it, so that's a good time. 😊