The Thing About Guilt

I'd like to reflect a bit on this past year. I had been on and off again with someone I truly loved. Someone I envisioned spending the rest of my life with. However, even though I believe at the core, we are both incredibly loving people, our expectations of one another drove a wedge between us that we couldn't break down. And there are times the guilt of my actions and decisions have had me in a free fall of unworthiness. I know I made so many mistakes. There were times I lied out of fear of his reaction. 

My people pleasing ways and fear of anyone being upset with me by speaking my truth and being the sometimes messy me, caused me to pull complete denial of anything I could possibly do wrong. It's laughable. I have been crying for days, and I just laughed out loud at that. Have I been gaslighting myself? 

The history is deep. The hurt is deep. And I sometimes feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. And then have to remind myself that I can't f*ck up what's meant for me. It will always be there. Or maybe it will come later. I don't know. Life can be so messy and gray sometimes.  

What I do know, and have known for a while, is I have needed time to really dig deep and do some shadow work on myself. I have needed to find the space to get my purpose and life in order. And I give away most of my energy, as I spoke about last week, to other people, things, etc.

The trust has to be so deep in this moment. There are old ways and patterns and beliefs I have to release now. I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive him. I have to heal from the brutal words. Hurt people hurt people.

I don't know what will happen in the future. What I do know is I must gather the most strength and faith right now and work on what I can as I enter into this New Year.

Guilt can consume us. I have let it take up space in my head for so long. It's never too late to change. It's never too late to make a different decision. It's never too late to do anything as long as we are breathing and capable. And we are all more than capable. 

Wherever you are, please don't give up. We all have this one moment in time, and we can write a completely new script for our life. There is nothing in the past that is more powerful than our decisions here on out. Everything happens for a reason. We are exactly where we're supposed to be in this moment. Take time to reflect, but more importantly, take the time to create your next steps to enable the most abundant you in 2025.