I have so much to share, I can barely contain myself. I don't even know where to start.
So first - I hope you all had a beautiful Christmas.
This was my first Christmas alone in a few years. My family lives in the Midwest, and I'm single. And honestly? It didn't phase me.
I woke up every day this week genuinely excited about the life I'm building - my family, my band, my friends, this Self-Worth community, the goals I've been reaching. It was also my first sober Christmas. I don't remember the last one where I didn't have wine with dinner or cocktails before. Alcohol was… is so normalized, and for a long time, I didn't think choosing differently was even an option.
How wild - and honestly heartbreaking - to realize how much power I gave away just one year ago. To people. To patterns. To numbing.
This time last year, I was hungover on three hours of sleep, up all night alone after spending the evening with my ex, playing my bass and sipping tequila. Funny - I thought I was free. Little did I know the chains I had all around me.
This time last year, I had someone in my life who said he loved me while actively trying to destroy my heart and spirit.
This time last year, I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
My friend Sarada stayed on the phone with me for hours one year ago today because I was a mess. And I knew - deep in my bones - something had to change.
Every single thing in our lives boils down to one decision.
You've probably heard the quote often attributed to Albert Einstein: “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
I'm pretty sure I hit my bottom last year. Chasing. Numbing. Justifying.
And yeah…a lot can change in one year.
We're five days away from a new year, and I've been deeply immersed in Dr. Joe Dispenza's work - focusing on remembering my future instead of remembering my past. It's been a reflective week, to say the least, but not in a ruminating kind of way. In more of a loving, forgiving kind of way. And I want you to know this: through all the heartbreak and the mess - including the mess I helped create - there is hope.
Last night I went to a friend’s house. I knew there would be alcohol around. Not a problem. I've spent tons of time around alcohol this year and said no. But this was a holiday, one I've never been sober for. However, I had made the decision that I would not drink this year. So, I went prepared. I brought non-alcoholic drinks. I went knowing I could have a fabulous time without alcohol - on a holiday. I showed up as my full, goofy self. I didn't dim my light like I used to.
And I had an amazing time.
For the longest time, I didn't really feel the change in me. I knew I was making better choices, yes. I knew I was on the right path. I kept waiting for that “shift” people talk about. But didn't quite grasp it. I hadn't really fully FELT it.
And then - in the last three weeks - it happened.
It's hard to explain. One day I literally thought, “Oh… so THIS is what it feels like.”
This calm. This peace. This joy that doesn't depend on anything external. This aliveness that wakes me up excited and open to the magic flowing all around me. This forgiveness. This steadiness.
And it hasn't left.
It took work to get here. Real work.
But I did it, and I'm not about to stop.
Every obstacle along the way becomes a gift when you learn how to bring life into pain.
And that's actually why I'm sharing all of this. Because I want everyone to know this kind of peace is possible.
This Saturday, I'm hosting another Self-Worth Reset at 12pm PST / 3pm EST - a free space for anyone who knows something needs to shift, but doesn't want to do it alone anymore. A place to look at the patterns, the numbing, the self-abandonment - not with judgment, but with compassion and clarity.
If any part of this resonated…
If you're standing at your own turning point…
This might be your moment to choose differently.
I'd truly love to hold that space with you
I hope to see you there - and if you can't make it, feel free to send me times that do work for you. I'll be hosting more.
I hope you all have the most amazing Friday ever!
I love you,
Lindsay M.
4 comments
I have gone through many transformations over these past 6 years of being a widower. The PTSD from her death in my arms was almost the end of me.
I was running to catch her from a rare second epileptic fall and was inches away when she fell to the tile floor. She died of an aneurysm. Just writing this I am now trying to finish this thought through a stream of tears. I was using pot heavily… a quite incredible amount. She died in ‘19 she called me her rock. I couldn’t get past the PTSD, I felt weak and alone. I couldn’t tell anyone else about what was going on inside my head. So I abused pot, an incredible amount daily.
I don’t even know what enticed me to stop, perhaps embarrassment, I had been so strong during the past falls and I felt as though I had failed her again by falling apart so completely. In January of this year I started back on a clean path. I knew I could do it because I had 8 1/2 years clean before.
So what now… what to do with me… what facets could I grind in this rough-cut diamond now clean for 11 months? In my clarity I found a very unique, interesting, and poignant idea for a novel. I had taken journalism at Ball State, so it wasn’t such a scary trek down an un-blazed trail, I knew how to outline and organize what I wanted to achieve and just started doing it.
I also realized that after 6 years of loneliness it is not something that I or she would want for me. So I am going on a first date next weekend. And the really astounding thing is, if either of these don’t work out, I will persevere and try again. I feel like I can mend now and learn to live a new paradigm of me and my PTSD, it doesn’t rule me, I can learn to live and love again.
I have gone through many transformations over these past 6 years of being a widower. The PTSD from her death in my arms was almost the end of me.
I was running to catch her from a rare second epileptic fall and was inches away when she fell to the tile floor. She died of an aneurysm. Just writing this I am now trying to finish this thought through a stream of tears. I was using pot heavily… a quite incredible amount. She died in ‘19 she called me her rock. I couldn’t get past the PTSD, I felt weak and alone. I couldn’t tell anyone else about what was going on inside my head. So I abused pot, an incredible amount daily.
I don’t even know what enticed me to stop, perhaps embarrassment, I had been so strong during the past falls and I felt as though I had failed her again by falling apart so completely. In January of this year I started back on a clean path. I knew I could do it because I had 8 1/2 years clean before.
So what now… what to do with me… what facets could I grind in this rough-cut diamond now clean for 11 months? In my clarity I found a very unique, interesting, and poignant idea for a novel. I had taken journalism at Ball State, so it wasn’t such a scary trek down an un-blazed trail, I knew how to outline and organize what I wanted to achieve and just started doing it.
I also realized that after 6 years of loneliness it is not something that I or she would want for me. So I am going on a first date next weekend. And the really astounding thing is, if either of these don’t work out, I will persevere and try again. I feel like I can mend now and learn to live a new paradigm of me and my PTSD, it doesn’t rule me, I can learn to live and love again.
Hi Lindsay!! That was Sooo Beautifully written!! I Love You too – with perfect Christmas love with Joy to You!! Do you still have the Ank necklace I gave You? Its my way of saying " Eternal life is yours and an Abundant life on Earth!! All because of baby Jesus!!"
You go girl! Super proud of you for sticking to your guns and being sober! Best wishes as we go into 2026